03/09/2016

crystal coffins in the sky

i wish you'd break
every one of my bones
polarise me 
into your own image 
of perfection

sieve me
into a glittering powder 
you'd call your own
and hang in a glass jar 
outside your window

so strangers could marvel 
at your accomplishment 
how you turned a girl 
into startdust

how you had loved her 
so much
she transformed 
into sparkling shards

absorbing sunlight 
and moonrays
in her very own 
crystal coffin 
in the sky. 

24/08/2016

eternal grieving

i am deflating

all the misery
i had harnessed
no longer claws
at my chest

no longer
pulls blood
from my wrists

i miss
feeling so empty
i would become numb
a bleeding tree
content with being rooted
in its pain

maybe this thought
makes me abnormal
but there's a sort of
artistic masochism
in an eternal grieving.

(reading eternal grieving)

17/07/2016

emotional paralysis

i felt myself shattering
even before dawn
the air weighed heavy
as my chest tightened
in an attempt to hide itself
in unfamiliar territory

i smoked cigarettes i didn't want
hoping you'd notice
how your neglect
had dampened me with rain
and turned me translucent

i collapsed
into myself
avoided eye contact

ceased to exist

until i could safely
fall apart 
away from you

i poured and convulsed
when i was finally alone
and tried
to keep my soul
in it's casing

all the while
wondering 
how i would ever
survive you.

04/07/2016

repression

all the forgetting in the world
couldn't stop me remembering 
all the places i had sat bleeding 
in my teenage bedroom 

i used to be so blurry edged and soft
i would melt right into the coils of my mattress 
forgetting to breathe for entire days 
trying to replace my bones with petals 

my draws were still littered with pill bottles 
blueprints of suicides sit corroding my textbooks  
i had somehow managed to escape
and bury her in the flowerbed of my subconscious

but sometimes, on my bad days, i feel her ripping,
clawing, very almost, to the surface
puckering up her lips to whisper words
that will threaten me back into the secondary. 

17/05/2016

zero

i'll make myself disappear
with zero calorie days

hooking my fingers onto my collarbones
i'll pull until the skin gives way
and i'll never stop until i see bone

i'll only ever see the guilt
that comes after every bite
the sore throat, the bloody nose
ends of toothbrushes dripping with bile

the smell of bleach clings
to my clothing
but i can still taste the putrid residue
at the back of my throat

in the midst
of some sort of fucked up retribution
i'll bruise myself
until red dents form around my arms

i'll take a drag from my cigarette
and my hand will pulse
from my self inflictions
and i'm reassured for a minute

puffy cheeks and red eyes
stare back at me

i'm too far away from my stash
to intoxicate myself into oblivion

pacify me until i can no longer
remember my name
or how much i've totalled for the day

subdue me into emptiness.