colour palates

today i am scarlet veined
and swollen
compliance has numbed
my indifference
into swatches of passivity
and exhaustion
my stench of dissatisfaction
is barely masked
by dabs of chemical laced florals
and cheap tobacco

yesterday i was maroon
and unreflective
like a boat
on murky nautical waters
i have tried to subdue my agony
in shallow blues
but all I have managed to do
is smudge the corners
of my greying displacement 

i have been compressing
into absence
and soon my layers of excess
will start to flake
i hope i shred
into sharpened points of colour
so i can tear open
the heads of neon coloured men
who ask to be ingrained
into my ashen hues.


absences of light

the sky
changes colour
with my curtains drawn

  daylight blinds me into submission

you descend
in shades of blue
confused by my aesthetics

  i am rotting flesh on the inside 

on intermittent thursdays
you would try and mend me
with kindness  

  i hated you for that

but i am absent
and my eyes are dimmer
than you remember

  i am almost opaque 

within the mist of my obscurity
your defects couldn't be measured 
against a light spectrum

  and maybe that was the problem

i have sunken too far
into this maelstrom of darkness 
to resurface alive.



sometimes i can’t breathe at 4am
because i’m thinking about how bad i’m getting
and today i think i am glad about it
because hurting is one of the few things i do well
i've been pulling the flesh from the parts of me that are decaying
could i sit by your bed for a while?
i’ve been hoping that your stillness would settle me
and you would collect the parts of my skin
i had torn from myself and scattered on your bedroom floor
maybe you would bury them in your potted plants
so i could flower into the girl you've always wanted
because she was never me
and it hasn't been making me bitter
baby it’s been making me sick.


infatuation at arms length

early morning intoxications and perpetual insomnia
from the evening before were clouding my judgement

you were driving me mad with your hardened features
because I wanted to ease you out into the daylight

I could see your vices crawling out from under your skin
and eating you alive because you didn’t know your worth

you’ve been rattling around my head and burning ulcers
from my heart with thoughts of the taste of your mouth 

I couldn’t remember the last time I ached from wanting
and I'm caving into myself and redefining all at once.