you were

you were
the circular pills
i needed to
and hold down

you were
the dry heaves  
of all of my
negative calorie

you were
the twenty pack
i smoked 
in an hour
out in your garden 

you were
the tightening
in my chest
a panic attack  

you were
the winged bruises
that clustered
under my

you were
the numbness
between my legs
and the blood
in my bathtub

you were
the taste
of a metaphor
i had to sever
from between my lips.



the world was not a place i wanted to explore
i’ve become well acquainted with these infrastructures
and the way chemical wetness hung in the air
after it had been raining for a while 
and baby, it suited me just fine

i did not crave to be under permanently blue skies
or shadowed by silhouettes of unfamiliar skyscrapers
the ground beneath me held me erect 
inside these walls i am a complete mosaic of squares
and my memories gather like fallen petals 

under intimate slants of light i am deja vu’d
by places i had visited but never really seen
i am under no constraints of godliness
the world will modify without me
and darling, i don't mind.  


liverpool street station

i remember standing by the station in the cold. waiting for you.
i could see your strained features from a mile away.
i watched the lines of your shoulders cling to your shirt
as i followed you blindly down an alley. hoping
you would turn around and smile at me like you used to.

your apartment looked smaller than i remembered.
the mess i thought was once poetic now just gave me a headache.
your eyes were vacant and the sex was cheap. 
i wouldn’t be able to get the smell of you off me for days.

i didn’t want to be in this room anymore. i left for the balcony
while you were in the bathroom. the smoke from my cigarette tasted bitter,
maybe that was because i wouldn’t quit even though i knew how much you hated it.
i ignored you opening the glass doors and tried not to break down
as you pressed yourself into me and placed your chin on my head.

goodbyes were meant to be worth something.
but i left without a word before you could see me cry.
you looked so old with pain engraved onto your face.

i wanted to be a great love that you had lost.
but the truth was you didn’t give me much of a chance to love you.
you discarded me before i had the opportunity to get comfortable
inside a mind that i had gotten to know better than mine.  
i took the train home and slept to forget your face.


sweetheart it’s dark here, and i’m dying

i would like you to know how sad i feel when the world dims,
i don’t know what it was about the desolation, but it breaks me.

i wanted to expire and drift towards the star spotted skies.
maybe up there i could find a home in your scarred arms.
but i am marooned on the ground and the night hangs over me.

i am hollow and dusty. i sometimes forget that i have a heart,
but i am reminded by the tightening in my chest when unease
streaks its way upwards and i cannot escape from my thoughts.
i am paralysed by despair that i cannot remember acquiring.

i can only function in dark rooms, empty of bodies and eyes,
they strain the banks of my conscious stream. i have sunken there.
i have drowned all the hands that have held mine in this place.
and immersed all the bodies i had traced with my tired eyes,
until they stilled and i had forgotten how they had tasted at 2am.
the silent hum of apocalyptic evenings sits heavy on my bones.
i wanted nothing more than to lay on my own in this black,
and pray my curtains stall the cold light for a little while longer. 



i didn’t know if it was the smoke in my lungs
but i wanted you to wear me like a second skin

i could feel my inhibitions shredding at your feet
and my rationality digesting itself

i could taste your metallic intentions in my mouth  
and feel it pressing against the back of my throat
like a gun i hadn’t concealed well enough

i couldn’t tell if you needed me to be a recollection
something you would retain amongst your thoughts
and replay with your own alterations

darling, i refuse to be temporary
and when we ultimately expire 
i will be an engraving on your chest
you won’t be able to burn off.