03/09/2016

crystal coffins in the sky

i wish you'd break
every one of my bones
polarise me 
into your own image 
of perfection

sieve me
into a glittering powder 
you'd call your own
and hang in a glass jar 
outside your window

so strangers could marvel 
at your accomplishment 
how you turned a girl 
into startdust

how you had loved her 
so much
she transformed 
into sparkling shards

absorbing sunlight 
and moonrays
in her very own 
crystal coffin 
in the sky. 

24/08/2016

eternal grieving

i am deflating

all the misery
i had harnessed
no longer claws
at my chest

no longer
pulls blood
from my wrists

i miss
feeling so empty
i would become numb
a bleeding tree
content with being rooted
in its pain

maybe this thought
makes me abnormal
but there's a sort of
artistic masochism
in an eternal grieving.

(reading eternal grieving)

17/07/2016

emotional paralysis

i felt myself shattering
even before dawn
the air weighed heavy
as my chest tightened
in an attempt to hide itself
in unfamiliar territory

i smoked cigarettes i didn't want
hoping you'd notice
how your neglect
had dampened me with rain
and turned me translucent

i collapsed
into myself
avoided eye contact

ceased to exist

until i could safely
fall apart 
away from you

i poured and convulsed
when i was finally alone
and tried
to keep my soul
in it's casing

all the while
wondering 
how i would ever
survive you.

04/07/2016

repression

all the forgetting in the world
couldn't stop me remembering 
all the places i had sat bleeding 
in my teenage bedroom 

i used to be so blurry edged and soft
i would melt right into the coils of my mattress 
forgetting to breathe for entire days 
trying to replace my bones with petals 

my draws were still littered with pill bottles 
blueprints of suicides sit corroding my textbooks  
i had somehow managed to escape
and bury her in the flowerbed of my subconscious

but sometimes, on my bad days, i feel her ripping,
clawing, very almost, to the surface
puckering up her lips to whisper words
that will threaten me back into the secondary. 

17/05/2016

zero

i'll make myself disappear
with zero calorie days

hooking my fingers onto my collarbones
i'll pull until the skin gives way
and i'll never stop until i see bone

i'll only ever see the guilt
that comes after every bite
the sore throat, the bloody nose
ends of toothbrushes dripping with bile

the smell of bleach clings
to my clothing
but i can still taste the putrid residue
at the back of my throat

in the midst
of some sort of fucked up retribution
i'll bruise myself
until red dents form around my arms

i'll take a drag from my cigarette
and my hand will pulse
from my self inflictions
and i'm reassured for a minute

puffy cheeks and red eyes
stare back at me

i'm too far away from my stash
to intoxicate myself into oblivion

pacify me until i can no longer
remember my name
or how much i've totalled for the day

subdue me into emptiness.

09/05/2016

acid induced psychosis

have i become
a cannibal chewing
her own skin
to rewire her nerves?

expecting to be cured?

impatiently waiting
for the kaleidoscopic peak
to weave my personality  
into a new dimension

into a room with no past

i lace herbs
through my lungs
as the walls start to breathe
and spit colour

i am drowning, we are drowning 

the person i was
cannot be reincarnated
i will remain buried
in a paradox

numbers and symbols choke me

my body turns itself
inside out
and i become rubber
and fraudulent

sexual deprivation nestled under my skin

a square to rewire my brain
two tabs to awaken me
i think maybe i am rotting
somewhere between reality and psychosis

drinking what's left of the moon.

(reading acid induced psychosis)

28/04/2016

darkrooms

there's something romantic
about red hues and chemical laced air
dipping paper in and out of liquids
while temporary moments in time
are made permanent
it is inescapable, all these memories
even locked away in my draw
I see them pulse from my pillow.

(reading darkrooms)

blue

I think he is aching
not a bad sort of ache
the kind of wanting
that builds up inside your lungs
and spills out over your teeth
I watch it drip down his chin
and stain his clothes
a florescent blue
that glitters and blinds
all at the same time
whenever he smiles
and his face catches the light
it's as if I'm standing above the bluest waters
and I've forgotten how to swim.

(reading blue)

28/02/2016

synthetic infatuations (computer girl)

we live behind screens
romanticising projected persona's
of people who bleed the same static
and have the same anxieties
with prolonged social interaction
stop idealising flattering filters
and the nostalgia of beautiful strangers
times are modern but art has died
from over editing and grotesque alterations
shrinking waists and elongating figures
into alien ideals we'll never reach
i am too far gone to be angry
with being brainwashed
into this factory manufactured
trigger happy computer girl.

(reading synthetic infatuations (computer girl))

02/02/2016

stillness

all of my memories
have been distorted by remembering
i can no longer tell if i am fabricating
the bad days and diluting the good

i am becoming less
creating fragmented thoughts
to fill the void of a life i haven't lived
because i'd always been comfortable

i think i need jolting
maybe a razor stab of electricity
or to be dangled off a high building
so i can understand why i've been stagnant

distracted by the past
i have created a maze stale yesterdays
and become trapped among the high walls
too preoccupied to escape.

(reading stillness)

04/01/2016

gravitating

spirits burn my throat while i contemplate mortality
i smoke cigarettes far to close to their ends
to burn out the taste of the little blue pill
i held underneath my tongue to distort me
an indulgent artist trapped behind self built glass
creating alter egos to my own personal masochist
i want shards of light to disfigure my body
and leak luminescence all over my pretences
i'll light a thousand candles just to blow them out
and have the smell bleed me towards neurosis.  

(reading gravitating)

lack of transparency

i am inbetween
multiple states of transitions
trying not to drown
with sulphur into my lungs
it gets harder to breathe with clarity
harder not see flaws in lovers
see their dependences
i want to claw their eyes out
and hang them around my room
so they can see how unremarkable i am
i am a self tortured proxy of useless data
floating around factual contradictions
never quite solving anything
can i become self destructive at will
how many drugs will i have to mix
to erase the person i'm becoming.

(reading lack of transparency)