emotional paralysis

i felt myself shattering
even before dawn
the air weighed heavy
as my chest tightened
in an attempt to hide itself
in unfamiliar territory

i smoked cigarettes i didn't want
hoping you'd notice
how your neglect
had dampened me with rain
and turned me translucent

i collapsed
into myself
avoided eye contact

ceased to exist

until i could safely
fall apart 
away from you

i poured and convulsed
when i was finally alone
and tried
to keep my soul
in it's casing

all the while
how i would ever
survive you.



all the forgetting in the world
couldn't stop me remembering 
all the places i had sat bleeding 
in my teenage bedroom 

i used to be so blurry edged and soft
i would melt right into the coils of my mattress 
forgetting to breathe for entire days 
trying to replace my bones with petals 

my draws were still littered with pill bottles 
blueprints of suicides sit corroding my textbooks  
i had somehow managed to escape
and bury her in the flowerbed of my subconscious

but sometimes, on my bad days, i feel her ripping,
clawing, very almost, to the surface
puckering up her lips to whisper words
that will threaten me back into the secondary.