emotional paralysis

i felt myself shattering
even before dawn
the air weighed heavy
as my chest tightened
in an attempt to hide itself
in unfamiliar territory

i smoked cigarettes i didn't want
hoping you'd notice
how your neglect
had dampened me with rain
and turned me translucent

i collapsed
into myself
avoided eye contact

ceased to exist

until i could safely
fall apart 
away from you

i poured and convulsed
when i was finally alone
and tried
to keep my soul
in it's casing

all the while
how i would ever
survive you.